July 4^th. That day will never be the same for me ever again. I took my wife to the hospital for what we thought was dehydration. 4 hours after we arrived there surgeons were performing emergency surgery on her. After they had prepped her a nurse came out and asked me if I wanted to see her before they took her back. Looking back I think they were letting me say my last goodbye before a surgery she might not come back from. My wife was crying. I did my best to sooth her and calm her down. I held her hand and smiled and put on a brave face. I had to be strong for her. I told her everything was going to be okay. One of the last things she said as they were about to roll her away was she was scared. It broke my heart. I told her there was nothing to be scared about. I told her that she was in good hands and that I loved her. As they were rolling her away I said the same thing I always say before she goes into surgery, “Come back to me.”

The longest 5 hours of my life began. It was a Sunday and a holiday to boot. The waiting room was completely empty. I felt like the only person in the entire hospital. I sat in a chair directly opposite of the doors leading into the surgery area but about as far away from the door as I could possibly be. I don’t remember much about those hours. Time seemed to drag and fly by at the same time. I curled up in my chair and balled my eyes out. In between crying sessions I prayed. I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed before. That was being scared. That was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. The feeling of having absolutely no control over anything was overwhelming. I felt very small and insignificant. I looked out the window at the sun sliding lower in the sky wondering what lay ahead.

The doors opened. A nurse came out and told me the surgery was complete. The doctor wanted to speak to me. My stomach clinched. Sitting in the consultation room waiting for the doctor to come in I tried to think positive but it seemed best not to think anything at all. When the doctor came in it was all I could do not to spring up out of the chair. He looked me straight in the eye and told me what he had found and what he did to fix it. I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t telling me everything that had happened though. From his body language I could tell that he was shaken up. I think he, much like my wife and I earlier in the day, went in thinking this was going to be fairly routine only to find it was much more serious. He told me enough to let me know that she was in very serious condition but that she had made it through the surgery. She was alive. I asked him point blank if she was going to be okay. He said they’d need to get her through the next few days first before worrying about that. That wasn’t very reassuring but I thanked him and he left.

More waiting followed. She was in ICU but they weren’t ready for me to see her yet. I called family members to update them. I was fighting back tears the whole time. Troubling thoughts crept into my head. She had survived but for how long? How will this affect her long term? Will she be normal or will she be disabled in some way? After a while another nurse came out to get me. As we passed through the double doors I had been staring at for hours the nurse grabbed my arm. She told me I needed to be prepared for what I was about to see. They had to put my wife on a ventilator. She told me what that entailed and what my wife would look like when we went into her room. I didn’t really grasp it until we actually walked in though. I gasped. It was incredibly hard to see. Tubes seemed to be coming out of her from everywhere. The sight in front of me didn’t seem like my wife. Her beautiful, vibrant eyes half opened seemed dull, almost lifeless. Her wonderful face was gaunt, her skin sallow. Tears filled my eyes again. I immediately grasped her hand and rubbed her cheek. She was alive. That was all that mattered. I grasped onto that fact and held on for dear life.

I stared at her face. She was in a medically induced coma. When staring at her face became too hard I stared at the machines keeping her alive. It felt like I was willing her heart to keep beating; praying that she would keep breathing. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking. Where was she in there? Later she told me she was having dreams. The common theme of the dreams was that she was on her way to somewhere. She said through the course of those dreams she came to the realization that she was dying.  She realized that she didn’t want to die. We had too many things left to do. I didn’t know any of this was going on but I could tell that she was fighting. I recall myself saying stay with me over and over. I held her hand and watched her for what seemed like a long time. Finally, ICU visiting hours were over and I had to leave. Visitors, even spouses, were not allowed to stay overnight with ICU patients. I gave the nurses my cell number. They promised to call if anything happened. I timed the drive home. 7 minutes. I figured I could get back in 4 if I had to.

Sleep didn’t come quickly. I cranked the volume all the way up on my cell phone.  It was sitting on my night stand about a foot away. I stared at it for what seemed like hours praying that it wouldn’t ring. When sleep finally came it was brief. I woke up scared. Something was wrong. I could feel it. I thought back to my grandma. When she passed away in the middle of the night I felt it. I can’t explain the feeling. I woke up out of a dead sleep and just knew. This feeling was similar. I immediately started praying. Lord please protect her. Please watch over her. Please don’t take her from me. I reached out and tried to speak to her. I said stay with me again and again. The house felt very cold and empty. For the second time that day I felt very much alone. I couldn’t really sleep after that. I got up and cleaned the dishes. I washed clothes. I made the bed in the guest bedroom in preparation for my mother-in-law’s arrival. I did any and everything I could think of to not have to lay in the bed by myself worrying about her.

The phone didn’t ring. The sun rose the next morning. Birds chirped. Cars passed by. The world kept turning. I had finally gone back to bed and eventually fell asleep. As the sun came through the blinds I awoke with a start. I immediately checked my phone. No missed calls. No missed messages. My racing heart slowed down a bit. More thoughts flooded my mind. Did something happen last night? Were they too busy working on her to call me? I got cleaned up quickly and rushed back to the hospital. I found myself holding my breath as I approached her room. Exhale. She was still there. Her nurse said she had had a very rough night but she was still there. Alive. When I saw that I wasn’t scared any more. Worried yes. Scared no. I had this deep down feeling that she would be alright. She had survived that first night. I had survived that first night. It was roughly 7 in the morning. 24 hours after I first brought her there. We had made it through the first day.

I nearly lost my wife earlier this week. Her doctor said she was literally hours from death. If we hadn’t gotten to the hospital when we did they said she wouldn’t have made it through the night. That’s a WOW statement. To use one of my wife’s favorite phrases “Are you serious?”.  That’s gulp inducing stuff right there.

When we made our vows a couple of years ago we said ‘til death do us part but I never imagined the death caused parting could/would be so soon. The whole situation made me feel so helpless. Outside of driving her to the hospital and praying for her I had absolutely no control over anything. All I could do was sit on the sidelines and let the doctors and nurses do their work. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t sit back. At one point I was simply staring at the wall rocking back and forth and praying. It was not a good feeling at all.

The good thing about times like this is they force a person to step back, release the vice like death grip we have on our lives and allow God to step in. God’s like “I got this. Let me do what I do.” I imagine God saying “Hey. What’s up? God here. Remember me. The guy you don’t talk to nearly enough. The guy who’s word you only read on the rarer and rarer occasions you step foot in a church. I’ve been here all along. Where did you go? Let me help you. But let’s not make this another one time thing. Let me help you through the bad times AND the good. The plans and goals and dreams I have for you are so much greater than anything you could ever dream of. All you’ve got to do is relinquish the control you’re so dead set on maintaining and let me handle it.”

After a couple of days of touch and go she improved and now we’re back home. I find I’m overcome by an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. Thankful for being granted more time to spend with my wife. Thankful for yet another chance to try to get things right. But in the end what does it all mean? Will I be suddenly on fire for the Lord and make grand declarations to change my world in his name?  Nah probably not. Been there done that got the t-shirt. Once this intense feeling wears off those things would likely fade as well if past experience says anything about it. Will I turn into the greatest husband ever in the history of humanity? If that person exists it is not and never will be me.

If I’ve learned anything about myself over the last few years it’s that it’s all about baby steps with me so here’s what I WILL strive to do:

1. Love my wife more. Spend more time with her and try to make the most of the life we’ve been blessed to have together.

2. Read my Word more. At least a scripture or two a day.

3. Pray more. God doesn’t really need to talk to me but I need to talk to him. I haven’t been fulfilling that need much lately.

4. Take better care of myself. If I don’t reverse course soon there won’t be any of me left to do all the things I’ve listed above.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=sl7RvV7fYJs

Can You Dig It?

Artist – Song – Album

• Hanson – With You In Your Dreams – Middle of Nowhere
• Sean Kingston – That Ain’t Right – Sean Kingston
• David Crowder Band – Our Happy Home – A Collision
• DC Talk – Day by Day – Jesus Freak
• Linkin Park – The Little Things Give You Away – Minutes To Midnight
• Wyclef Jean – Fast Car (Feat. Paul Simon) – Carnival Vol. II Memoirs of an Imigrant
• Lasgo – Blue – Some Things
• Prince – Fury – 3121
• Michael Jackson – Man In The Mirror – History
• Zero 7 – Somersault (Danger Mouse Remix) – Somersault
• Coldplay – Politik – A Rush of Blood To The Head
• Ray Charles – Mess Around – Ultimate Hits Collection Disc 1
• DC Talk – Jesus Freak (Reprise) – Jesus Freak (10th Anniversary Edition)
• David Crowder Band – Thank You For Hearing Me – Can You Hear Us?
• Radiohead – Myxamatosis – Hail To The Thief

There’s nothing like a petty squabble between celebrities to send folks searching. Ideally, the tiff involves vapid starlets arguing over who started the purse-dog trend, but Clint Eastwood telling Spike Lee to “shut his face” makes for a perfectly acceptable substitute.

Do you think it’s a wise thing to be ticking off Dirty Harry? Maybe Spike Lee is feeling lucky. He does have a point though. I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.

Is it just me or do Mark Cuban (owner of the Dallas Mavericks) and Emperor Commodus look like they could be brothers?

Call me ignorant, but I do not understand the fascination with John Mayer. I suppose he’s somewhat attractive. I know that his smash hits like “Your Body is a Wonderland” and “Waiting on the World to Change” are supposed to get under my skin with their tender and positive messages. But there’s something I can’t get past. It’s not that his voice irritates me, or that I think he’s undeserving of his Grammy awards. It’s not that the specific male pop singer/guitarist thing has never appealed to me (if a guy does pop, I’d prefer he was more straight up about it a la Justin Timberlake)—there’s just something about John Mayer’s overall person that annoys me beyond description. He seems arrogant, cocky and completely phony.

Why you hating on my boy John Mayer? Don’t hate. Appreciate. He can’t help if his game is smooth like butter. JM’s game is so tight he need not speak in his own defense. His songs do the work for him. Singers have been getting in women’s pants with a little help from their songs for years. He obviously has some redeming qualities or all these women wouldn’t be lining up to go out with him. Yeah, his new doo is a bit out there but I still like him a lot. On a side note: Is it just me or does he look like Marc Anthony’s younger, slightly less malnourished/emaciated looking brother?

CHICAGO – He’s a white priest at a largely black church. He’s held hands with Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. He’s been arrested dozens of times and battled anyone he thinks has wronged his parish — from gun dealers to a local Catholic sports league. Now the Rev. Michael Pfleger is something else: the latest thorn in the side of presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Racially charged comments Pfleger made last week mocking Obama rival Hillary Rodham Clinton — as a guest at Obama’s church, no less —

Obama needs to stop going to church. Televangelists were invented for this exact situation. You get to have church from the comfort of your own couch. Watch a Creflo Dollar program. Maybe a little TD Jakes. Mix in a little health and wealth gospel from Joel Olsteen. Throw in a Veggie Tales tape for the kids and you’re good to go.