July 4^th. That day will never be the same for me ever again. I took my wife to the hospital for what we thought was dehydration. 4 hours after we arrived there surgeons were performing emergency surgery on her. After they had prepped her a nurse came out and asked me if I wanted to see her before they took her back. Looking back I think they were letting me say my last goodbye before a surgery she might not come back from. My wife was crying. I did my best to sooth her and calm her down. I held her hand and smiled and put on a brave face. I had to be strong for her. I told her everything was going to be okay. One of the last things she said as they were about to roll her away was she was scared. It broke my heart. I told her there was nothing to be scared about. I told her that she was in good hands and that I loved her. As they were rolling her away I said the same thing I always say before she goes into surgery, “Come back to me.”

The longest 5 hours of my life began. It was a Sunday and a holiday to boot. The waiting room was completely empty. I felt like the only person in the entire hospital. I sat in a chair directly opposite of the doors leading into the surgery area but about as far away from the door as I could possibly be. I don’t remember much about those hours. Time seemed to drag and fly by at the same time. I curled up in my chair and balled my eyes out. In between crying sessions I prayed. I prayed harder than I’ve ever prayed before. That was being scared. That was the most scared I’ve ever been in my life. The feeling of having absolutely no control over anything was overwhelming. I felt very small and insignificant. I looked out the window at the sun sliding lower in the sky wondering what lay ahead.

The doors opened. A nurse came out and told me the surgery was complete. The doctor wanted to speak to me. My stomach clinched. Sitting in the consultation room waiting for the doctor to come in I tried to think positive but it seemed best not to think anything at all. When the doctor came in it was all I could do not to spring up out of the chair. He looked me straight in the eye and told me what he had found and what he did to fix it. I could see in his eyes that he wasn’t telling me everything that had happened though. From his body language I could tell that he was shaken up. I think he, much like my wife and I earlier in the day, went in thinking this was going to be fairly routine only to find it was much more serious. He told me enough to let me know that she was in very serious condition but that she had made it through the surgery. She was alive. I asked him point blank if she was going to be okay. He said they’d need to get her through the next few days first before worrying about that. That wasn’t very reassuring but I thanked him and he left.

More waiting followed. She was in ICU but they weren’t ready for me to see her yet. I called family members to update them. I was fighting back tears the whole time. Troubling thoughts crept into my head. She had survived but for how long? How will this affect her long term? Will she be normal or will she be disabled in some way? After a while another nurse came out to get me. As we passed through the double doors I had been staring at for hours the nurse grabbed my arm. She told me I needed to be prepared for what I was about to see. They had to put my wife on a ventilator. She told me what that entailed and what my wife would look like when we went into her room. I didn’t really grasp it until we actually walked in though. I gasped. It was incredibly hard to see. Tubes seemed to be coming out of her from everywhere. The sight in front of me didn’t seem like my wife. Her beautiful, vibrant eyes half opened seemed dull, almost lifeless. Her wonderful face was gaunt, her skin sallow. Tears filled my eyes again. I immediately grasped her hand and rubbed her cheek. She was alive. That was all that mattered. I grasped onto that fact and held on for dear life.

I stared at her face. She was in a medically induced coma. When staring at her face became too hard I stared at the machines keeping her alive. It felt like I was willing her heart to keep beating; praying that she would keep breathing. I couldn’t help but wonder what she was thinking. Where was she in there? Later she told me she was having dreams. The common theme of the dreams was that she was on her way to somewhere. She said through the course of those dreams she came to the realization that she was dying.  She realized that she didn’t want to die. We had too many things left to do. I didn’t know any of this was going on but I could tell that she was fighting. I recall myself saying stay with me over and over. I held her hand and watched her for what seemed like a long time. Finally, ICU visiting hours were over and I had to leave. Visitors, even spouses, were not allowed to stay overnight with ICU patients. I gave the nurses my cell number. They promised to call if anything happened. I timed the drive home. 7 minutes. I figured I could get back in 4 if I had to.

Sleep didn’t come quickly. I cranked the volume all the way up on my cell phone.  It was sitting on my night stand about a foot away. I stared at it for what seemed like hours praying that it wouldn’t ring. When sleep finally came it was brief. I woke up scared. Something was wrong. I could feel it. I thought back to my grandma. When she passed away in the middle of the night I felt it. I can’t explain the feeling. I woke up out of a dead sleep and just knew. This feeling was similar. I immediately started praying. Lord please protect her. Please watch over her. Please don’t take her from me. I reached out and tried to speak to her. I said stay with me again and again. The house felt very cold and empty. For the second time that day I felt very much alone. I couldn’t really sleep after that. I got up and cleaned the dishes. I washed clothes. I made the bed in the guest bedroom in preparation for my mother-in-law’s arrival. I did any and everything I could think of to not have to lay in the bed by myself worrying about her.

The phone didn’t ring. The sun rose the next morning. Birds chirped. Cars passed by. The world kept turning. I had finally gone back to bed and eventually fell asleep. As the sun came through the blinds I awoke with a start. I immediately checked my phone. No missed calls. No missed messages. My racing heart slowed down a bit. More thoughts flooded my mind. Did something happen last night? Were they too busy working on her to call me? I got cleaned up quickly and rushed back to the hospital. I found myself holding my breath as I approached her room. Exhale. She was still there. Her nurse said she had had a very rough night but she was still there. Alive. When I saw that I wasn’t scared any more. Worried yes. Scared no. I had this deep down feeling that she would be alright. She had survived that first night. I had survived that first night. It was roughly 7 in the morning. 24 hours after I first brought her there. We had made it through the first day.

I nearly lost my wife earlier this week. Her doctor said she was literally hours from death. If we hadn’t gotten to the hospital when we did they said she wouldn’t have made it through the night. That’s a WOW statement. To use one of my wife’s favorite phrases “Are you serious?”.  That’s gulp inducing stuff right there.

When we made our vows a couple of years ago we said ‘til death do us part but I never imagined the death caused parting could/would be so soon. The whole situation made me feel so helpless. Outside of driving her to the hospital and praying for her I had absolutely no control over anything. All I could do was sit on the sidelines and let the doctors and nurses do their work. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t sit back. At one point I was simply staring at the wall rocking back and forth and praying. It was not a good feeling at all.

The good thing about times like this is they force a person to step back, release the vice like death grip we have on our lives and allow God to step in. God’s like “I got this. Let me do what I do.” I imagine God saying “Hey. What’s up? God here. Remember me. The guy you don’t talk to nearly enough. The guy who’s word you only read on the rarer and rarer occasions you step foot in a church. I’ve been here all along. Where did you go? Let me help you. But let’s not make this another one time thing. Let me help you through the bad times AND the good. The plans and goals and dreams I have for you are so much greater than anything you could ever dream of. All you’ve got to do is relinquish the control you’re so dead set on maintaining and let me handle it.”

After a couple of days of touch and go she improved and now we’re back home. I find I’m overcome by an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. Thankful for being granted more time to spend with my wife. Thankful for yet another chance to try to get things right. But in the end what does it all mean? Will I be suddenly on fire for the Lord and make grand declarations to change my world in his name?  Nah probably not. Been there done that got the t-shirt. Once this intense feeling wears off those things would likely fade as well if past experience says anything about it. Will I turn into the greatest husband ever in the history of humanity? If that person exists it is not and never will be me.

If I’ve learned anything about myself over the last few years it’s that it’s all about baby steps with me so here’s what I WILL strive to do:

1. Love my wife more. Spend more time with her and try to make the most of the life we’ve been blessed to have together.

2. Read my Word more. At least a scripture or two a day.

3. Pray more. God doesn’t really need to talk to me but I need to talk to him. I haven’t been fulfilling that need much lately.

4. Take better care of myself. If I don’t reverse course soon there won’t be any of me left to do all the things I’ve listed above.

{: Clasps hands together and closes eyes in prayer:}

Lord I know that rain is needed to make things grow. I know that the rain keeps the leaves green and the flowers blooming. I also know that the rain (even though is leaves a dirty after film) provides a free carwash to those who haven’t washed their cars in months. But can’t we work out a schedule where it doesn’t rain within a day or so of a soccer or softball game? Since March I’ve had so many rainouts I’ve lost count. You know that I don’t have very many years left to participate in athletics. This body you gave me just isn’t going to hold out much longer. I’ve got bad knees, bad ankles, a pulled hamstring, and a pulled quadriceps. This list goes on and on. So I need to maximize and utilize the small amount of athletic time I have left. That means playing as much recreational soccer and softball as possible. I can’t do that if it rains. I know you understand where I’m coming from. Do your faithful servant this one favor. PLEEEEEEASE. Thanks.

{: The proceeding was written tongue-in-cheek but if you’re reading this God and would like to act upon what I’ve requested, please be my guest :}

Hey look the sun is out. I better get home while the gettin’ is good. Take me home Allycia. Take me home. Bye, Bye.

I came to a realization this weekend that the older I get, the older my parents and family get. This seems obvious and quite elementary I know but it’s finally sinking in. I’ve known this intellectually for a long time of course but it never really hit me until a couple of days ago. My parents are getting older. I pray that they’ll have a long and healthy life but eventually they’re health will fail and they’ll pass away. It’s inevitable and barring Jesus’ glorious return within their lifetime it’s gonna happen. We as humans are powerless to stop the hands of time. Visiting with my Grandma this weekend, this realization was even more pronounced. She’s 93 and still in fairly good health. She’s got all her wits about her. Her memory is sharp and she still tells great stories. But I’m noticing things both with her and my parents. Little things that attest to the passage of time and the inevitability of their eventual passing. Grandma takes a little bit longer to do things. She’s not quite as mobile as she used to be. Her back is bowed. Her gate isn’t quite as spry.

My mom is only 50. She keeps herself in great shape. But the little things are starting to be come noticeable with her as well. The hair is getting grayer (even though she dyes it). Subtle wrinkles are forming on her face. Her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I guess I noticed these changes more easily because I haven’t seen her since last summer. Her actual appearance is slightly different from the picture I have of her in my mind. Because of that the changes appear more pronounced I suppose.

The same holds true for my Dad. He’s a football coach, PE Teacher, active duty Army Veteran, and current Army Reservist. I’ve always seen him as this big, strong, nearly invincible man. He never got sick, never missed a day of work. He’s always kept himself in tiptop shape. But as he’s getting older nagging health problems are cropping up. Glaucoma, high blood pressure, diabetes have all appeared within the last couple of years. He’s having trouble controlling his weight. He’s tired all the time. He’s been diagnosed with clinical depression. It’s like he’s breaking down before our eyes. I never even thought that possible when I was a kid. I guess I’m in denial. I don’t want to recognize these things as facts.

None of this is any great revelation I don’t guess. But for me it marks a definite change in how I view my parents and last living grandparent. I think I’ve always kind of ignored the fact that someday, a day I pray is a long way off, they’ll no longer be here on earth. Intellectually I understand it but my heart doesn’t in want to believe it. I can’t imagine what life would be like without my parents. When I try to think about it, my mind draws a blank. I just see blackness. My mind can’t conjure an image of what that could possibly be like. I suppose life goes on but me being on this earth and my parents no longer being her just seems inconceivable. It’s not something that I want to deal with or think about. But from here on out I suppose I’m going to have to. It’s a part of growing up.

The older I get the more I realize why adults in general are more serious than kids and teenagers. There’s a lot of weight and pressure on you as an adult. Responsibility is abundant and you don’t have a safety net to fall back on like when you were a kid. Plus you’ve got to deal with the realization that your friends and love ones are going to die eventually. Beyond that, you realize that you’re eventually going to die as well. It’s hard transitioning from adolescence to adulthood. I think life is dragging me kicking and screaming through that transition right now. The bright spot in all of this is that my parents and grandma are Christians so I know where they’re going when they’re no longer with us. They’ll be in a much better place than where we reside currently. But the selfish side of me doesn’t want to see them go. I want them here with me to help me through hard times, to give advice and instruction, and to just be there like they always have. I haven’t come to grips with all of this stuff but I think I’ve taken the first step in realizing that it’s going to happen. I don’t know how I’ll deal with these things when they occur. I’m sure I’ll need to lean on God more than ever. I imagine he’s got a big enough shoulder to handle that though.

Coming to this realization has made me realize more than ever that I need to make the most of the time God has blessed me with to be with my parents and grandma especially. Grandma only lives an hour away but I only see her a few times a year. (Christmas, Thanksgiving and in the summer when my parents are visiting) One of these days she’s not going to be around to visit. I need to listen and learn and absorb as much knowledge from her and my parents as I can. The only way I can do that is by maximizing the time I have with them and efficiently using that time to the fullest. That’s going to be my goal for the next few weeks while Mom and Dad are here and for as much time as I’ve got left to enjoy their company on this side of the river.

(Quick Note: I’ve never been a Mac person BUT I’ve always had a healthy respect for them. Especially since I started working in Tech Support. The things rarely crash, they’re much more straight forward than Windows, and blah, blah…. I’m starting to sound like those stupid apple.com/switch commercials. Let me just put it this way. MACS are cool. Our class this morning is about MAC OS X (That’s 10 fan you non techies. Or people who don’t know their Roman Numerals) OS X is nice. And I’m getting ready to learn everything thing there is to know about it. It might be the final reason I need to get a MAC. Not any time soon. But eventually. :End Note)

Update

That Apple class today was boring, boring, boring. I should have taken a pillow and some pieces of wood to prop my eyes open. (Like in those old Tom and Jerry episodes.) I will not allow this class to cloud my judgement of of MAC OS X though. Still beautiful. A MAC will definitely be in my future. Of course, in order for me to get one a higher paying job will have to be in my future as well. Those things are expensive. I could build two Windows PCs and buy all the software for them for the cost of a MAC. Oh well. They are nice machines.

I ate at P.F. Changs today. If you haven’t eaten there (which is highly likely since there’s only like 3 in the country) just think fancy smancy chinese joint. It’s like the Olive Garden of Chinese restaurants. No, it’s a lot nicer than Olive Garden and it has the prices to prove it. They had a really cute hostess. I mean really cute. I went with a group from my training class. 3 guys and one lady. Being the gentleman that I am I held the door for the lady. But they had a tricky double door configuration at the restaurant. So I held the outer door for her but was unable to get the inner door. Anyway, when I got inside I made eye contact with the hostess. As I’ve stated before, I’m a sucker for eye contact. This little lady rendered me speechless. She asked me how many were in my party and I couldn’t answer. Apparently, she gets this type of reaction often because without skipping a beat she asked one of the other folks in our party how many people we had. Just another chapter in the yet to be written book entitled: Daryl’s Book of Complete Ineptitude Around Girls.

My weekend was going great until I reinjured my knee last night playing soccer. I don’t know how it happened. I was jogging along (practically walking) and this pain shot up through my left knee. This concerns me since we’ve got about a month and a week until the fall soccer season starts. I haven’t had any problems out of my knee in 3 or 4 months but I think this current pain was brought on by a collision I had with a teammate at soccer practice on Thursday. It’s been sore since thin and now it’s more than sore. It’s painful. So I’ll be resting this week and taking the extra strength Motrin my doctor gave me the last time I had an appointment. Anyway, an imperfect end to a near perfect weekend. More later. Ugh!! I’ve actually got to work tomorrow. Suddenly the boring MAC training doesn’t seem like such a bad thing.

I’ll be out of pocket for a few days. My Mom is in the States for vacation. She got in from Japan Tuesday night. I’m so happy she’s here. I’m driving down to my Grandma’s house tonight (after my softball game if we have it. or in just a little while if there’s no game) to be with her and Grandma for the weekend. I miss my family terribly. So I try to make the most of the time I have to see them in the summer. My Dad and brother fly in separately in the next couple of weeks. It will be so nice to have the whole family back together. I can’t wait. Later.