Where did it go?

I feel like my voice has been reduced to quick quips and one liners spewed out into the world like yesterday’s trash.

What happened?

I used to have things to say. I used to have halfway coherent thoughts that I was able form into words on the page and screen. Now my voice, when I have one at all feels empty and hollow. It feels like a whisper that gets swallowed up in the never ending sea of other voices in this world.

Is it gone forever?

My presence online seems to have been reduced to a fruitless quest to grab a quick laugh or some fleeting scrap of attention . A cry of “Hey look at me. I’m am here! Laugh at my silly words so I can feel important.” My voice is hoarse. My throat is scratchy from lack of use. Perhaps I need some Lemon and Honey tea.

Can I get it back?

I used to use this space to exercise my voice. Now it sits here collecting dust. Much like my voice. It’s time to break out the duster. I’m the only one to blame for this current state of affairs. Only I can break myself out of it.  I have things to say. It’s time to start saying them again. I silenced my true voice. It’s time to take the silencer off.

Some day all these kids rocking the Justin Beiber hair are going to get old. They’re going to look back and say “What was I thinking?” Much like me in this picture.

This is Kanye’s epic 35 minute full length Runaway video. I just finished the whole thing. Dang. I don’t really know what to say about it. Weird would be the obvious thing to say but it’s Kanye so weird goes without saying nowadays. The whole thing is visually stunning. Very beautiful. It was fun to watch though I can’t say I’ll ever subject myself to watching it again. I’m left with a sense of what was the point? Maybe that’s over thinking it though. Maybe the point is there is no point. It’s art for the sake of art. I’m cool with that. All in all I liked it. Kanye is brilliant. Crazy as all get out but brilliant. That’s all I can say.

I nearly lost my wife earlier this week. Her doctor said she was literally hours from death. If we hadn’t gotten to the hospital when we did they said she wouldn’t have made it through the night. That’s a WOW statement. To use one of my wife’s favorite phrases “Are you serious?”.  That’s gulp inducing stuff right there.

When we made our vows a couple of years ago we said ‘til death do us part but I never imagined the death caused parting could/would be so soon. The whole situation made me feel so helpless. Outside of driving her to the hospital and praying for her I had absolutely no control over anything. All I could do was sit on the sidelines and let the doctors and nurses do their work. I was literally sitting on the edge of my seat. I couldn’t sit back. At one point I was simply staring at the wall rocking back and forth and praying. It was not a good feeling at all.

The good thing about times like this is they force a person to step back, release the vice like death grip we have on our lives and allow God to step in. God’s like “I got this. Let me do what I do.” I imagine God saying “Hey. What’s up? God here. Remember me. The guy you don’t talk to nearly enough. The guy who’s word you only read on the rarer and rarer occasions you step foot in a church. I’ve been here all along. Where did you go? Let me help you. But let’s not make this another one time thing. Let me help you through the bad times AND the good. The plans and goals and dreams I have for you are so much greater than anything you could ever dream of. All you’ve got to do is relinquish the control you’re so dead set on maintaining and let me handle it.”

After a couple of days of touch and go she improved and now we’re back home. I find I’m overcome by an overwhelming sense of thankfulness. Thankful for being granted more time to spend with my wife. Thankful for yet another chance to try to get things right. But in the end what does it all mean? Will I be suddenly on fire for the Lord and make grand declarations to change my world in his name?  Nah probably not. Been there done that got the t-shirt. Once this intense feeling wears off those things would likely fade as well if past experience says anything about it. Will I turn into the greatest husband ever in the history of humanity? If that person exists it is not and never will be me.

If I’ve learned anything about myself over the last few years it’s that it’s all about baby steps with me so here’s what I WILL strive to do:

1. Love my wife more. Spend more time with her and try to make the most of the life we’ve been blessed to have together.

2. Read my Word more. At least a scripture or two a day.

3. Pray more. God doesn’t really need to talk to me but I need to talk to him. I haven’t been fulfilling that need much lately.

4. Take better care of myself. If I don’t reverse course soon there won’t be any of me left to do all the things I’ve listed above.

There’s nothing like a petty squabble between celebrities to send folks searching. Ideally, the tiff involves vapid starlets arguing over who started the purse-dog trend, but Clint Eastwood telling Spike Lee to “shut his face” makes for a perfectly acceptable substitute.

Do you think it’s a wise thing to be ticking off Dirty Harry? Maybe Spike Lee is feeling lucky. He does have a point though. I’m not sayin’. I’m just sayin’.

Call me ignorant, but I do not understand the fascination with John Mayer. I suppose he’s somewhat attractive. I know that his smash hits like “Your Body is a Wonderland” and “Waiting on the World to Change” are supposed to get under my skin with their tender and positive messages. But there’s something I can’t get past. It’s not that his voice irritates me, or that I think he’s undeserving of his Grammy awards. It’s not that the specific male pop singer/guitarist thing has never appealed to me (if a guy does pop, I’d prefer he was more straight up about it a la Justin Timberlake)—there’s just something about John Mayer’s overall person that annoys me beyond description. He seems arrogant, cocky and completely phony.

Why you hating on my boy John Mayer? Don’t hate. Appreciate. He can’t help if his game is smooth like butter. JM’s game is so tight he need not speak in his own defense. His songs do the work for him. Singers have been getting in women’s pants with a little help from their songs for years. He obviously has some redeming qualities or all these women wouldn’t be lining up to go out with him. Yeah, his new doo is a bit out there but I still like him a lot. On a side note: Is it just me or does he look like Marc Anthony’s younger, slightly less malnourished/emaciated looking brother?

CHICAGO – He’s a white priest at a largely black church. He’s held hands with Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. He’s been arrested dozens of times and battled anyone he thinks has wronged his parish — from gun dealers to a local Catholic sports league. Now the Rev. Michael Pfleger is something else: the latest thorn in the side of presidential candidate Barack Obama.

Racially charged comments Pfleger made last week mocking Obama rival Hillary Rodham Clinton — as a guest at Obama’s church, no less —

Obama needs to stop going to church. Televangelists were invented for this exact situation. You get to have church from the comfort of your own couch. Watch a Creflo Dollar program. Maybe a little TD Jakes. Mix in a little health and wealth gospel from Joel Olsteen. Throw in a Veggie Tales tape for the kids and you’re good to go.

From a Memphis Craigslist Rooms for Rent posting:

I would like to find a female to share home with I am a black male 41 I own my home it near the uofm all you need to is already here! I would like to find a nice lady to live with me,the ecommnoy is bad right now and if you don’t know what i am talking about you won’t understand my ad! I was thinking i could kill to birds with one stone.

Now this is what I call laying the mack down. Here’s a proposition. The economy is bad. I’m lonely. I need help on rent. I’m grammatically challenged. Let’s shack up!

So smooth. So practical.

Play on playa.

When I was younger I dreamed of my dad coaching in college and eventually in the NFL. He coached high school football for 28 years. He was a head coach for more than 15 of those. He’s retired now and I’ve learned that he never really aspired to coach above the high school level. What’s sad is that if he had aspired to that he may have never really had the chance to do so. In the grand scheme of life today’s achievement may seem insignificant but in the day to day life of a child somewhere it could prove the catalyst to prompt them to say I too can do what Coach Dungy and Coach Smith have done.

In order for that child to get the opportunity to do what these two men are doing today more things need to change in the coaching profession. Currently only 5 out of the 119 schools in NCAA Div. IA football have black coaches. That stat is even worse in the other 3 divisions. As in any profession a person has to have a coaching resume in order to have  an opportunity on the sport’s largest stage. For many, though not all, coaching in college is the gateway to getting an opportunity in the NFL. Today those opportunities are few and far between.

The NFL is making strides to correct this discrepancy. The NCAA has a long way to go. Hopefully today’s game will be the next step in the progression that will allow that little child to follow in Coach Dungy’s and Coach Smith’s footsteps.

After the diagnosis, Ethan was transported to St. Jude Children’s Hospital here in Memphis. St. Jude is one of the leading, most cutting edge medical facilities in the world for treating cancer in children. He’s in good hands.

Please take a look at the site. This is not a hoax. I know his mother’s sister. She and her family are close friends of mine. All the family is asking for is prayer. Prayer is a powerful. The doctor’s prognosis isn’t good at this point but God is powerful. I know that he can work to provide healing for little Ethan.